Since arriving at this point of acceptance, I've come to accept, along with my marriage breakup, that much in our lives really is out of our control. I've become aware of the changes involved; not only in my marital status, financial status, but the one change that has a disturbing effect on my altered lifestyle is my nocturnal habits.
Insomnia has invaded my life with regular and rapid performances. Like a drug crazed thief on the prowl, looking to fund his cravings. Wakefulness and anxiety grips me in my comfort. My mind torments as I ride the waves of emotions, which rise and plummet, by the orbit of the lunar cycle. Not one to care about horoscope or the solar system, bit I am concerned that I am fearful of the night, to an extent that I'm unable to settle into sleep.
I've always had sleep issues having been a sleep apnoea suffer all of my life, but the fear of night became evident after the remnants of a torched car was abandoned almost outside my home. Or should I say the anxiety this event caused, made me aware of my internal fears. Dormant in my psyche until I am on my own trying to find sweet slumber. I'd gone to bed, but unable to sleep, lay reading hoping tiredness would engulf me. Scuffling was heard outside and then a bang. Amber flickers radiated outside my window. I had to investigate, so I pulled back the drapes. As I looked outside fear gripped me, as my mind tried to wrestle with a plan of action. I gingerly opened the front door, found some bravado in seeing neighbours gathering, and even ventured outside. My mind settled a little with arrival of the fire department. When the flames were out and the onlookers disbursed, I returned to my bed, I could not sleep.
Laying in the warmth and comfort of my bedroom, I knew the fear of the night had taken hold. It was silly considering my normal daily demeanour, but at night, insecurity and dread gripped my life. I felt like a prisoner as I held the edging of the doona and pulled it over my head to block out the dark evil thoughts, while trying to draw on those happy thoughts. Who was I kidding?
Many years have come and gone since first noticing this nightly tension and it remains doubtful if these terrors of the night will disappear. The wounds in many regards have healed, but the darkness of night can turn me into a frightened mass.
When did my fear really begin? As I pondered that question my mind recalled the distant memory. I'd heard a noise, a creek. My kitten laying beside me raised her head, then I raised mine. Looking towards the door I saw the shadow of a man, and instantly drew comfort from the bedding. The light was turned on, and in an instant the man was on top of my bed trying to wrestle the covers from me. Fully intent on a sinister reward. With a swift flick and slide, I'd escaped from the side of my bed and darted for the kitchen. I grabbed a sharp knife and waited. The stranger approached with wild eyes and an aggressive raged body. I lashed out and stabbed him. He retreated and fled. He was caught by police who had arrived in the attempt to get away. The couple in the unit below had heard the commotion and screams, and then called the cops. Thankfully they did. I was not charged for the stabbing for it was deemed an act of self defence.
The intruder was jailed for attempted rape, and breaking and entering with intent. After this my life was supposed to get back to normality but in truth it was changed forever. Life does go on after such events, as one tries to get back to some normality. As I settled back into the routine of life, after taking a month off work, I found a new interest in writing. I become interested in crime and criminals. I'd become aware of the evil side of some people's lives and the victims they leave behind. Unfortunately it is this side of life that keeps me awake and mindful of what could happen if one is not on guard. However my worse fear is not for myself as such, but the fear of what could happen to my children. My worst nightmare would be to have two detectives arrive at my door to tell me something disastrous had happened and my children were hurt or deceased. A loss of a child is a fear for any parent, but for me to die at the hands of another, or by injury due to a careless act, would really rock my world. I don't know how controlled I would be in such a situation, but I know I would want to end my nights forever.